Drug and alcohol use

You smelled it on his jumper when you did laundry. You hadn't expected to. Or you noticed her eyes were wrong when she came in last Saturday and tried to go straight to her room. Or someone's parent messaged you about what happened at the party. Or you found something in his bag that wasn't his to have.

This article picks up where article 10 of this module left off. Article 10 was about the unsupervised hours and the broad framework of the teen years. This article is about substance use specifically. Alcohol, cannabis, and the wider landscape of recreational drugs. From the first time it happens to the pattern that's been forming for months to the situation that's become serious.

In a two-home family, substance use needs particular attention. Both parents need to be in the loop. Both homes need to handle it the same way. The teen who can play one home off the other on this territory is the teen most at risk.

The spectrum

Substance use in teenagers is not one thing. It is a spectrum. Some teens never try anything. Many try things once or twice. Some develop regular use. A smaller number develop problematic use that affects their daily life. A few develop more serious patterns that need clinical intervention.

The parent's response depends, in part, on where on the spectrum the teen is. The response to a one-time experiment at a party is different from the response to weekly use that has become routine. The response to weekly use is different from the response to daily use that's affecting school, mood, and the family. The response to daily use is different from the response to clear addiction or dangerous patterns of mixing.

Some of the work for the parent is figuring out, calmly, where on the spectrum your teen actually is. This is not always obvious. Teens hide use. Parents over- or under-estimate. The Co-Parent may see something different from what you see.

What teens are actually using

A short note, kept general.

The specifics vary by country, by community, by friend group, by year. The broad landscape, in most places, includes:

Alcohol, in various forms, often the most common substance encountered.

Cannabis, in various forms and increasingly available in some jurisdictions. Use patterns range widely.

Vaping (nicotine and increasingly other substances), now extremely common in many teen contexts.

A wider range of recreational drugs that appear in particular settings (parties, music events, specific friend groups). Some are widely available; some are not. Some are far more dangerous than others.

Prescription medications used recreationally, including medications taken from family members.

This article does not name specific substances in detail. Naming them does not help the parent's response, and there is a risk in any article that listing specifics serves as a guide rather than as context. What matters more is the family's approach to the broad territory.

The first time you know something happened

The first time you find out that the teen has used something, the response shapes what happens next. A few patterns.

Don't have the row at 2am. If the teen comes home affected, get them to bed safely. Make sure they're physically okay. Water by the bed. On their side. Check on them quietly. The conversation is in the morning.

Don't catastrophise in the moment of discovery. A first experiment is, statistically, what most teens do at some point. Treating it as a calamity teaches them that they cannot tell you anything in future.

Don't ignore it. The opposite mistake. Pretending it didn't happen, hoping it was a one-off, not having any conversation at all. The teen reads silence as permission. A conversation, calm and clear, has to happen.

Have one calm conversation, not a series of small ones. Sit down. Tell them what you know. Listen. Ask what happened. Listen more. Talk about what concerns you and why. Talk about the family's lines on substance use. Be specific about the non-negotiables (no drink-driving, no being with strangers when affected, no mixing substances). End by telling them you love them.

Loop the Co-Parent in. Promptly. Within hours of the conversation with the teen. The Co-Parent needs to know. Both homes need to handle it the same way.

Don't ground them for six months. Proportionate response. If something happened that breached trust (lying about where they were, breaking a clear family rule), small consequence is appropriate. Disproportionate consequences create hidden behaviour, not changed behaviour.

The patterns that suggest more

The first experiment is one thing. The recurring pattern is another. Some markers that the picture has shifted.

The signs you are seeing more often. The smell. The eyes. The late hour. The friend group's accumulated reputation. The teen's repeated coming home affected.

Their day-to-day life has changed in noticeable ways. School engagement dropping. Sleep patterns shifting. Mood flattening or hardening. Money or possessions going missing. Distance from family activities they used to be part of.

The teen has become defensive in a new way. They were honest before; now they're evasive. They were open about the friend group; now they're guarded. They were okay with you knowing their location; now they're hiding it.

The friend group's overall pattern has shifted. The whole group is in a new place around substances. Your teen is somewhere along with them.

You are finding things, more than once. Items in the bedroom. Smells you didn't smell a year ago. Stories that don't add up.

The teen is starting to make decisions you wouldn't have expected them to make. Skipping things they used to value. Driving when they shouldn't. Putting themselves in situations that are unsafe.

When several of these are present, the situation has moved from first experiment to pattern. The response is bigger.

The conversation when the pattern is real

When you have to have the bigger conversation, some patterns help.

Pick the right moment. Not when they're affected. Not when you're furious. A calm Sunday morning. A drive in the car. A walk. A quiet evening when nothing else is happening.

Be clear about what you've seen. Specific. Factual. Three times in the last two months you've come home with X. We've found Y in your room twice. Your grades have dropped in two subjects. Your sleep is different. Don't generalise. Don't moralise.

Don't lead with the punishment. Lead with the concern. I'm worried. Talk to me. What's going on? The punishment, if any, comes after the understanding.

Listen, longer than feels comfortable. The teen may say nothing. They may give a small answer. They may eventually say something more honest. Don't rush past the silences.

Find out what the use is serving. Most teen substance use, beyond the casual social kind, is serving something. Anxiety. Sleep. A friend group. A way of feeling something or feeling less of something. A grief. A relationship. School pressure. Whatever it is, the use will continue until the underlying thing is addressed. Find out, gently, what it's for.

Talk about the specific things that worry you most. Not all substance use is equally risky. Mixing alcohol with other substances. Using alone. Using regularly when low-mood is in the picture. Driving. Vulnerable settings. Be specific about the lines and why they matter.

Talk about the non-negotiables. No driving. No being alone when affected. Call us if something has gone wrong, no questions asked. The phone is always answered. Get-home money is always available. These don't change because they're using something.

Don't try to fix it in one conversation. This is the start of a longer arc. Make space for the next conversations. Don't expect resolution tonight.

Loop the Co-Parent in immediately afterwards. Both homes need to be coordinated. The teen who knows both parents are in step has less room to manoeuvre.

When to get professional help

Some markers that the situation has moved beyond the family.

The teen's daily life is significantly affected. School is dropping. Friends are dropping. Family relationships are dropping. The substance is becoming the centre.

The teen has tried to stop and can't. This is a specific marker. It is part of what defines addiction. If the teen has wanted to cut back and has been unable to over weeks, this is professional territory.

There are signs of physical or mental-health deterioration linked to use. Sleep. Appetite. Mood. Memory. Concentration. Physical symptoms.

There is mixing with other concerning patterns. Mental-health struggles. Self-harm. Eating issues. Suicidal thoughts. Substance use combined with any of these makes the picture more serious.

There has been a serious incident. Hospitalisation. Police involvement. A dangerous moment. An overdose, even a small one.

The friend group's overall pattern is concerning. Multiple peers struggling. A specific community where dangerous use is normalised.

When any of these is present, get professional input. GP, school counsellor, specialist adolescent substance-use service. Different countries have different pathways. The earlier the intervention, the better.

The Co-Parent dimension specifically

A few patterns.

Both homes need to handle it the same way. Same rules. Same conversations. Same responses to specific incidents. The teen who plays one home off the other is the teen most at risk.

Talk to the Co-Parent regularly through the period. Not just when there's a crisis. The weekly check-in. The dispatch after a hard weekend. The agreement on what to do next.

Don't blame the Co-Parent's home. Even if you suspect that something at the Co-Parent's contributed (the partner who drinks, the older sibling, the friend group at that neighbourhood), don't open with this. The conversation gets nowhere as accusation. There may be time later to look together at what the wider environment is doing.

If the Co-Parent is themselves using substances in concerning ways. This is its own situation. Module 17 of this library covers it. The teen's safety has to be the centre.

Coordinate professional involvement together. Both parents in the meetings, where possible. Both parents informed of what the team is recommending. Both homes implementing the same approach.

If you and the Co-Parent disagree about the seriousness. This is common. One parent thinks it's a phase. The other thinks it's serious. Get a third opinion. The GP. A specialist. Don't let the disagreement be its own stress for the teen.

If the Co-Parent is unwilling to be involved or actively unhelpful. This happens. The supportive parent has to do more. Get professional support for yourself and for the teen. The team's involvement matters more, not less, in these cases.

Harm reduction, briefly

This is contested territory. A short note.

Some teens, despite the family's lines, will continue to use substances. The harm-reduction approach acknowledges this and aims to keep the teen safer within the reality. This is not the same as endorsing use; it is recognising that the alternative to harm reduction is sometimes harm.

Practical things that come up in harm-reduction conversations:

• Knowing what you're taking (not taking things you don't know).
• Not mixing substances.
• Not using alone, especially the first time.
• Knowing the early signs that someone needs help.
• Being able to call for help without fear.
• Having a way home from anywhere.

These conversations are awkward. They are also realistic. Most teens have not had useful information from anyone else; the family that can give factual information from a place of care is providing something most teens don't get. The non-judgmental conversation does not normalise; it equips.

This is for parents to think about and decide what works for their family. The Co-Parent should be in the conversation. The teen, when appropriate, is part of it too.

What this is, longer term

A short reflection.

Most teen substance use does not become lifelong difficulty. Most teens, through the years of experimentation, settle into adult patterns that are within manageable ranges or stop entirely. Some develop ongoing patterns that need management. A smaller number develop serious problems.

What predicts good outcomes: family that is calm and informed, both homes in step, professional help when needed, the underlying causes of use being addressed, the teen having steady adults who keep showing up, the friend group's pattern moving in a healthier direction over time.

What predicts harder outcomes: rigid rules without conversation, parents at odds so the teen plays the homes off each other, unaddressed mental-health issues underneath, isolation from professional support, the friend group continuing to escalate.

You and the Co-Parent are doing this together. The substance-use territory is one of the harder ones in the teen years. Coming through it with the teen broadly intact, the relationship intact, and a path to adulthood that is workable, is real work. You can do it.

The landing

Three months after the bigger conversation. He's been seeing a counsellor for six weeks. The Co-Parent has been steady. You have been steady. There have been two more incidents but smaller ones; both got talked through in the morning, both prompted the next conversation rather than the same one.

Tonight he's at home. He's at the kitchen table doing homework. He's had dinner. He's going to bed in an hour. He's not using tonight. He hasn't, that you know, for two weeks.

You're not asking him about it. You don't ask every day. Once a week, maybe, in a quiet moment, you ask how he's doing more generally. He gives a short answer. You accept it.

Tomorrow he's at the Co-Parent's. The Co-Parent has the same approach. You message her: He had dinner with me, going to bed in a bit. Quiet evening. She replies: Good. Counsellor on Thursday. I'll bring him.

That's the cadence. The path is real. Slow. Working. You and the Co-Parent are in step. The teen is figuring it out, with steady ground under him. Whatever specific substance, whatever specific pattern, the response is the same: the family is the architecture around the change.

He's going to be okay. Not necessarily next month. Probably this year, with the work continuing. Keep going.